Everyone is doing it…

For the last week, everyone has been sharing their posts about their mothers. Some who are dealing with loss, some that are thankful they still have their mother here, some who were close and others who were estranged. One of the most difficult relationships we have is with our mothers. So many split decisions with emotions heaped all around them.

I am the third of four children. My relationship with my mother was one of longing to be loved, but by the time I arrived, her marriage and life had gone so wrong, not much love was left. Being a child you don’t understand adult relationships, feelings, and situations. You just feel like your mother doesn’t love you, and that hurts.

My mom and dad fought constantly as the people of the generation before us often did. In one particular argument, she screamed to my dad that she had almost died having me and wished both of us had died. Nothing more painful can be said within the earshot of a child. It took years for me to understand she wasn’t lashing out at me. She was trying to think of the most hurtful thing she could say in that moment, and unfortunately wishing she was dead was a constant on her mind.

I ran away from home in my early teens. A friend of mine took me in. Her parents would have taken me in permanently. They were well educated and believed they could provide for an extra child. My dad found me. And with his belief, he was doing the right thing, brought me home. My mother was so angry at him. She yelled and screamed that he should have left me where I was. They had more room and more money for me, and he was wrong to bring me home.

I was devastated. I moved from home when I was 17 years old and never went back to live there again. Visits were always strained and sometimes she was angry no matter what was said. My father had left for another woman, and my little sister was still at home trying to comfort mom as best she could.

She passed away in 1999. She said she would never leave that house until she was ’10 toes up’ and she was right. She didn’t call us when she was sick at the end because she knew we would drag her to a hospital. So she died alone within the reach of a telephone.

But I’ve been through my own turmoils in life and realized that she didn’t hate me (probably) and she wasn’t mad because my dad brought me home. I guess she thought I could have had a better education and a better life with that other family. I had escaped and he brought me back. If anything she was angry that life had been changed when he brought me back.

So many people have so many emotions for Mother’s Day. My mother tried very hard with the education and means she had at her disposal. I didn’t understand it then, but in some ways, I suppose she was doing the best she could.

Every passage in this story could have volumes written from all of the perspectives of everyone involved. But it doesn’t matter now, in 1999 her struggle stopped.

Happy Mother’s Day in heaven.

**Photo approx 1967. That’s me the little one in front with the curls.

This entry was published on May 13, 2017 at 2:38 pm and is filed under Family, Holidays, Mother's Day, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

3 thoughts on “Everyone is doing it…

  1. I think that most people try to do the best they can throughout life. Sometimes our life experiences make us better people. Great article!

  2. Thank you for writing with such wisdom and grace about your mother. What a powerful piece of writing!

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